The Lighter Side
by deichtine
Summary: The Pretender meets lyric light opera. Yes, yes, I know. COMPLETE. Written 1999 in a fit of goofiness.


First written and posted on pretendfic in September 1999. This one requires some explanation to anyone who wasn't on the list at the time. A person (I'm ashamed to admit I don't remember who) had written a short fun piece wherein the Pretender characters caught on to the fanfiction writers, and the writers became characters in the story, controlling the characters through writing the fanfiction, much to the characters' annoyance. Another person sequelled it, and a series of connecting sequels by different writers ensued. The titles all had something to do with 'light'. This was my contribution. This was the last piece I posted before leaving the list for a few months. By the way, if you haven't seen the 1983(?) movie version of _Pirates of Penzance_ with Kevin Kline as the Pirate King, you haven't lived.

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Note and Disclaimer: I think it should be painfully obvious by now that I have no claim to the characters, etc., associated with The Pretender, as they all belong to NBC and whoever else. If you really want to sue me, I suppose I can't stop you, but it won't be worth the legal bills. 

WARNING: This story is very silly, and leans very heavily on Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pirates of Penzance", which I believe is in the public domain. If you haven't seen it, I beseech you to go do so. The film version with Kevin Kline, Linda Ronstadt and Angela Lansbury will always be (IMHO) the best movie ever made, and is easily rentable, to the best of my knowledge. :) My apologies to Mr. Gilbert and Mr. Sullivan, and forgive me if I mess up a few lyrics here and there - I'm going from memory, here.

The "Light"er Side

by Deichtine

The characters stood there in shock, not quite knowing how to respond to Jarod's outburst, and the writers gazed on in fascination, waiting impatiently for the next person to pick up the thread. Suddenly a young woman with messy brown hair and glasses sliding down her nose appeared abruptly in the midst of them.

"Sorry," Susan said to her fellow writers, "I'm running a little late." Then she turned to the characters and studied them each in turn for a moment. "Okay, you guys.

"This is my last chance for a long time to have you under my control, and there's something I've been wanting to do for a long, long time."

The characters looked uneasily at each other. "Is it just me," Miss Parker murmured to Sydney, "Or was that just a little ominous-sounding?" Sydney didn't reply, but looked very uncomfortable.

Susan snapped her fingers, and a small computer appeared before her, and, grinning with undisguised glee, she began to type.

Suddenly, sweepers began to enter the small room from every side, all moving in step, with a somewhat dance-like quality. As the last one arrived, the assembled characters and writers were surprised as a loud musical fanfare sounded, seemingly from everywhere at once, making a terrible clatter.

Then, the sweepers began to sing.

_"With cat-like tread,  
__Upon our way we steal,  
__In silence dread,  
__Our cautious way we feel.  
__No sound at all, we never speak a word  
__A fly's footfall would be distinctly heard!" _

Mr. Parker cut them off with a sharp yell. "What's going on? Stop that immed-" suddenly, a strange expression came over his face, and he jumped on top of a nearby chair, and declaimed in a surprisingly deep bass,

_"Oh, better far to live and die,  
__Under the brave black flag I fly  
__Than play a sanctimonious part  
__With a pirate head and a pirate heart!" _

He turned to Jarod, who crouched down to look avidly up at him.

"_Away to the cheating world go you,_" Mr. Parker continued,  
_"Where Pirates all are well to do,  
__But I'll be true to the song I sing,  
__And live and die a Pirate King!  
__For...I... Am a Pirate King!"_

He raised a fist into the air as the rest of the characters, looking astonished but unable to help themselves, capered joyously about him. _"Hurrah for the Pirate King," _they chorused back.

_"And it is it is a glorious thing to be a Pirate King!" _Parker cried.

"_It is!"_ the sweepers responded, "_Hurrah for the Pirate King_!"

"Enough" Jarod cried, shaking himself out of the dance number. "What the heck is going -"

Then, as Mr. Parker before him, he trailed off. He turned to Miss Parker, Brigitte, and the assembled writers, his eyes growing soft and his arms outstretched.

_"Oh is there not one maiden here,  
__Whose homely face and bad complexion  
__Has caused all hope to disappear  
__Of ever winning man's affection?  
__Who would not give up willingly  
__All matrimonial ambition  
__To rescue such a one as I  
__From his unfortunate position  
__From his position?  
__Oh is there not one maiden breast  
__Who does not feel the moral beauty  
__Of making worldly interest  
__Subordinate to sense of duty?  
__To such a one,  
__If such there be,  
__I swear by heavens up above you -  
__If you will cast your eyes on me  
__However plain you be, I'll love you! However plain you be!" _

Miss Parker simply raised an eyebrow at him and said, "Really, Jarod, I know you're lonely, but I didn't realize you were that desperate." She was about to go on with another scathing remark when suddenly she too found herself at the mercy of Susan's keyboard. She took Jarod's outstretched hand, and in an astonishingly clear soprano that caused Brigitte to sulk enviously, began,

_"Poor Wand'ring one!  
__Though thou hast surely strayed  
__Take heart of grace, thy steps retrace!  
__Poor Wand'ring one!  
__Poor Wand'ring one,  
__If such poor love as mine  
__Can help thee find  
__True peace of mind, why  
__Take it, it is thine!" _

Susan, sitting at her computer, was by now consumed by gales of laughter, and Sydney decided to take the opportunity to try to talk some sense into her. "Susan," he began, "isn't that enough? It's hilarious, really, but think what this could do to their emotional-" Susan hit the enter key and he too began to join the fun. He straightened up to military posture and saluted. Then, his strong accent thickening the words as he belted them out, he sang,

"_I am the very model of a modern major-general,  
__I've information vegetable, animal and mineral  
__I know the Kings of England, and I quote the fights historical  
__From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical -_"

Suddenly, Sydney stopped singing and looked at Susan with surprise. "Sorry, Syd," she explained. "You're just not working out." He looked rather crestfallen, and she just shrugged and began to type again, only to find the screen grey and flashing the unforgiving message, "This program has performed an illegal error and will be shut down..."

"Drat!" she cried, as Lyle and Broots ran to her and hauled her away from the keyboard.

"Finally!" Jarod sighed, and Miss Parker nodded her agreement.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted. See you in a few months..." Susan said as she slowly faded away.

She just had time as she vanished to hear Broots complain, "Why didn't I get a part?"

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I'm sorry, but I did warn you. I've always thought the Pretender could use a good song and dance number now and again to lighten things up. I suppose this story would be a lot funnier once you've heard the music and can imagine the characters all dancing around, singing! Believe me, it's hilarious in my head! 


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